


Afraid

by skyeward



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-25 20:43:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyeward/pseuds/skyeward
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why am I so afraid to lose you when you aren't even mine?"<br/>Inspired by reuniting with Kelly in ME3, a quote on the internet, and my own unruly feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afraid

Why am I so afraid to lose you when you aren’t even mine?

And it is _me_ afraid to lose _you,_ not a yeoman afraid to lose her commander. I have no professional detachment from you, haven’t had it since the first time you smiled at and flirted with me in the CIC.

It wasn’t as if I didn’t know, even then, that you were spoken for. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know who you’d met on Illium, how you’d react if the reunion didn’t go as planned. I had read your psych profiles, after all, read your service records, your personal history, anything I could get my hands on if it had to do with you. Maybe I was a little starstruck.

But it was so amazing to think that Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, dead and resurrected, would flirt with me. Okay, maybe I was a lot starstruck. But I got to know you, over time, and the overwhelming awe settled into a more honest, deeply-felt affection and admiration. I saw firsthand the powerful charisma that drew people to you, the lengths you went to and the danger you put yourself in to secure their loyalty, the trust you placed in them once you had it.

I saw that loyalty repaid when you rescued us, saw your trust returned when the crew abandoned Cerberus in droves when it was all over.

I also saw the crew fall apart without you - you were our glue, and the six months without you were devastating despite knowing you were safe and alive. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to feel this way and spend two years believing you were dead. I think I understand, now, why that meeting on Illium didn’t go well.

But at the time, all I could do was fake a kind of confidence I’ve never had and flirt back with you, daydreaming about what it would be like to really be with you. It was silly, it was unprofessional, and it was hopeless.

It still is, because I still think about it sometimes. Lying on a cot among the other refugees, half-afraid to fall asleep because the nightmares still haven’t gone away, I think about it. What if you’d never gone with her to fight the Shadow Broker? What if you’d never repaired your relationship? Would I have a chance?

I doubt it, given the kinds of company you run it, but it’s a pleasant diversion. It helps keep me from thinking about the kinds of danger you could be in at this very moment, the kinds of enemies you’re fighting…about the chance you could be dead. My heart clenches at the thought, but there’s no way I would even know if that were the case. I’d find out just like the rest of the galaxy, over the news networks. I’m special to you - or at least I was, I think - but I’ll never be that close again. I wish that weren’t the case, wish that I wasn’t needed here, wish that I could so much as imagine setting foot on the Normandy without utterly breaking down. But there are people in need and nightmares of abduction and one impossibly lovely asari in the way, so I’ll stay here. You’ll go wherever you need to go, do whatever must be done, and I’ll think about you, worry about you, fear what losing you would do to the galaxy, to your crew…to me.

You don’t need my worry, but it’s all I can do for you.


End file.
